Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
