Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
