You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
