How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
