And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
smell my finger.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
