So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
