The maid of honor just puked.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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