I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
