did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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