I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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