I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
