trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
