oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize