I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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