I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
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I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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