Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
