Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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