How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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