Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
