I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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