I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
