Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Use "feeling words"
Yay
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
