Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
