where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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