Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
