No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize