glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Green mimosas i think yes
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
