She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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