I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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