Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
