If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
