I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
