Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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