I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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