I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm at about main and main street
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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