Don't make out with my wife yet
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
