fuck your aforementioned shoe
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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