I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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