They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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