Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
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