i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
