my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
