You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
