I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My ass is underappreciated
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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