just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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