Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
