I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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