i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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