I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
