YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
