The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We talked him into tasing himself.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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