I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
