M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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