what day is it and did you see me today?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
