All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
